Tag Archives: humor

Spot On

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Popularized after the 2000 presidential election and spread by television’s love of maps, it’s common to call a state red when it is mostly Republican and blue when Democrat voters are the majority. When you mix red and blue, you end up with purple. So that’s now how we color a state where neither of the two major parties dominate.  A look at voting trends and histories shows that Alabama is the reddest state and Washington is the bluest.

Headquartered smack dab in Birmingham, Alabama is BriteBlueDot.com  If blue you are in a red state this just might cheer you up. (They do bulk discounts if you know like-minded people in Texas.)

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I don’t know if it is uniquely American to plaster your beliefs on your car.  But around a major election, it seems like more people than ever show up with bumper stickers. ‘Course we don’t really need text to judge where someone stands. Ford 150, you’re Red, Honda Fit – Blue, Minivan — well, let’s just color you Purple.

 

 

A Cautionary Tail

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If you give a pig a pancake

If you drink too much scotch, you wake up with your stomach wandering around in your throat so you have to run down to the kitchen and mix baking soda with water and gulp it noisily over the sink.

Your mouth has a gritty feel to it so you have to fling open the refrigerator door and grab the first thing you see which is cold vegetarian pizza made from scratch that tastes really gummy and leaves a big grease stain on your t-shirt.

So you need to go back upstairs, wrench open the closet door and start trying on clothes just to find that you have nothing to wear.

So you leave on the last thing you tried and grab your wallet and head for the department store.

On the way, you remember you didn’t brush your teeth so you pull over to the new artisan gelato shop on Main and order a small lemon curd.

When you are leaving you nearly trip over the black lab mix waiting patiently for his owner to bring him some water so you drive straight to the vet to buy cat food.

You pass by the kennel of rescue animals and one smiles at you so you bring home a beagle mix with Bette Davis eyes.

So when everyone finally goes to bed you pour yourself a scotch.

(With acknowledgement to Laura Numeroff who wrote “If you Give a Pig a Pancake,” one of a collection of charming what-if tales for kids.)

You’re either in or you’re out

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Some people love casseroles, some, decidedly don’t. I land squarely in the former. Witness what I just ate heartily in a rv park outside of Troy, Alabama:

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Truth be known, had I not tweaked this from the instructions on the Broccoli Cheddar Cheese Mac Pasta Packet, I’d likely be singing a different tune. I mean, who adds raw onion and green pepper to a mac dish that only cooks for 10 minutes?

Sure, it makes it a 2 pan dish, but let’s face it, totally worth it. And who doesn’t add mushrooms and a white wine and butter to up the flavor?  Pepper generously and dust with salt.

It’s better than I remember. Sig ate Grape Nuts.

PS: Yes, it is snowing on my blog. It’s December, after all.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Aside

I was barreling down the highway on my way to the rest of my day when I happened to look up at a giant billboard proclaiming a full service funeral for $1700 something, underlined with a notice of full cremation at $795.

I tell you, it caused me pause.

Not that I ran off the road or anything, I just shook my head and thought…Whaaat? I’m used to billboards competing for commerce –banks, retail stores, and coke-like products  but I’m not quite willing to ride a highway gauntlet of one-upping morticians. It’s just not my pathway to a good day.

Not that I have anything personal against morticians, I’m sure I could easily be best friends — if I knew one.

Then the morning paper featured a business called LiveOn, a Kansas City start-up banking on making a business from preserving family “tribes” in a virtual afterlife. All of that living in cyberspace everyone does is lost when the person kicks the bucket — but should it?

About 400,000 Facebook users die each year in the United States according to the article. Shouldn’t there be a way for a loving family to access their loved ones’ digital lives? Otherwise, what happens to the  passwords giving access to all kinds of life-clues not to mention entry to online bank accounts. Gather your family around for a group sign-up.

Invasive, doncha think?

Tonight

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Our dinner is from Costco.  A heated-up rack of smoked dry rubbed ribs from a vacuum pack along with seafood stuffed portabella mushrooms topped with parmesan cheese and shrimp. I toss up a romaine lettuce salad with radishes and cherry tomatoes and pour a nice white.

It’s so good, I almost think that I did it all myself.

Is It Just Me Or …

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For $299.00 you can own this framed archival matted black and white photo of President and Mrs. John Kennedy along side of an original, unsent invitation to JFK’s January 20, 1961 inauguration. Comes with a certificate of authenticity. Quantities are limited.

Kennedy Invitation

Ahhh, c’mon.

Sure, it’s nicely presented and it’s a nice enough photo of the couple. But seriously, what are you supposed to do with it? Put it up on the hallway picture wall to suggest mysterious family connections to unsuspecting guests? Add it to your collection of unsent invitations to other parties? Haul it to the Antique Roadshow in 30 years or so?

Well, just so you know, I’d rather have the waving queen. It’s a 6 1/2 inch solar-powered facsimile of her Royal Highness who flaps her hand for hours if you don’t stop her. She only costs $18.95. (Acornonline.com )

Happy T-day

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Just before that first Thanksgiving dinner, a wise Native American woman was overheard to say,

Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.

                       Dylan Brody

                                                                         Image from Awkward Family Photos

Dinner with O

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I got an invitation today. For a measly $3.00, I can put my name in to have dinner with President Obama. I thought, hmmmm, interesting. I’d like to have dinner with the guy but what is with the $3.00? I followed the trail and found that it was a campaign thingy, with all of the proper disclaimers and claimers and breezy kinda talk-talk in small print.

Actually — way on the bottom, it says, I really don’t have to send in $3.00 if I don’t want to, I can just put in my name and click away. But, if I did that, I then would send my click to a different site from the $3.00 people. And no — of course not, there wouldn’t be any advantage given to those who coughed up the $3.00.

But I thought to myself. I don’t think so.

Somehow, I think the lucky clicker who gets the grand Poopah prize will go to one of the faithful who sent in $3.00. And I felt sure that the $3.00 people would also be on the receiving end of a great rush of incoming e-mail in the months to come.

Nah, sorry, President Obama — as much as I’d love having dinner with you, frankly I don’t have a thing to wear.