Lay it On Me

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My 2014 VW beetle is key-less. Instead of an ordinary car key, I have a gadget with lock and unlock buttons. Instead of turning the ignition with a key, I step on the break pedal and push a start button. It isn’t a must-have feature for me but I liked the idea.

Once when I was putting wine bottles in the recycling dumpster, I locked my key in the trunk. But I was able to get in and drive home since my key-less-key said remotely, “It’s ok! I’m right here in the trunk.” vw-key

(At home, I flipped the back seats face down and was able to rescue my key.)

Then one day, I got out of the car, locked it — with my phone sitting on the front seat. I grabbed the door handle, and surprisingly, the door wasn’t locked. I pushed the lock button on the key gadget a couple of times but each time I tried the handle, it opened.

Oh man, I thought, this will be a pricey repair. From then on I stopped using the defective buttons to lock the car. Then one day, I accidentally slammed the trunk lid with my key and purse inside.  I thought no big deal, the car isn’t locked  and the key is within range to start it; I’ll drive home like before.

I tried the car door and it WAS locked. Long story short — I walked over a mile and 1/2 to my house wearing hardly sturdy sandals in 90 degree heat.

Key-less entry is in a middle chapter in the manual. I found out that when key-less-key is within a foot of the car, I lock and unlock the doors and the trunk just by the laying on of my hands. My touch activates the remote sensors which shout out, “Key-less-key is in the house. Action approved. Commence.”

I am queen of the universe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s ok, Google.

Status

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Our heads are round so that our thoughts can change direction.

According to the world of Google, this quote is from Francis Picabia, a French poet who died in 1953 and the American poet Allen Ginsberg who, unfortunately, is also dead. Even when asked point-blank, ” Who came up with the ‘Our heads are…’ quote, Ginsberg or Picabia?” Google dodged.

I am sure I could get to the bottom of this mystery but I choose to move on.

The creator of the Smiley Face is uncontested. It’s Harvey Rose Ball, an American graphic artist. In 1963, Harvey was asked to come up with something to raise employee morale at an insurance company; it took him 10 minutes and he was paid $45.00.

If that insurance company had been a little more forward thinking they may have found out what we know today. Satisfied employees work for ethical and community-centered companies that acknowledge and value them, give them chances to learn, give them challenging work and lastly, give them fair compensation.

But, on the other hand, if that had been the case — we just might not have Smiley Face.

Have a Salubrious Labor Day.

 

 

Spot On

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Popularized after the 2000 presidential election and spread by television’s love of maps, it’s common to call a state red when it is mostly Republican and blue when Democrat voters are the majority. When you mix red and blue, you end up with purple. So that’s now how we color a state where neither of the two major parties dominate.  A look at voting trends and histories shows that Alabama is the reddest state and Washington is the bluest.

Headquartered smack dab in Birmingham, Alabama is BriteBlueDot.com  If blue you are in a red state this just might cheer you up. (They do bulk discounts if you know like-minded people in Texas.)

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I don’t know if it is uniquely American to plaster your beliefs on your car.  But around a major election, it seems like more people than ever show up with bumper stickers. ‘Course we don’t really need text to judge where someone stands. Ford 150, you’re Red, Honda Fit – Blue, Minivan — well, let’s just color you Purple.

 

 

Dear People of Maine

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Brownbackistan-logo.jpgTo all it may concern:

So sorry to hear about your troubles with Governor LePage. Seems he has a little difficulty with impulse control, courteous discourse and general deportment befitting the highest leadership position in the state. We also heard he has decided not to resign and is seeking spiritual guidance.

Well here’s the deal. We the people of Kansas will swap you one for one.

It’s only fair to provide full disclosure. Frankly, Governor Brownback is no prize. We would encourage your state budget director to get with his/her team and find a way to squirrel away a very, very healthy cash reserve. On the up side, Sam Brownback is steeped in lots of religion. He speaks quietly and presents himself with a great deal of decorum usually in a suit and tie.

As for Paul LePage’s spiritual quest,  we can guarantee you there is no scarcity of religious tour guides in the great state of Kansas.

Fondly,

People of Kansas

Back in it.

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Whew. What a breather. My last blog post was February, 2014.

I could report that I became an expert in tai chi, read War and Peace, organized a non-profit to take care of recently retired giraffes and invented a way to wash windows without getting out of bed.

But no.

Biggest thing that happened. We decided to downsize. Found a condo overlooking the lawn of the Nelson Art Museum, negotiated with the displaced New York fashion maven who lived there, had our house re-roofed, the chimney shored up and a garage door opener installed. Sold our house to a young couple who wanted to be close to public transportation and were a hit at the neighborhood block party.

Updated the condo, tore out the wall between the kitchen and dining area, all new stainless steel appliances, carpeted the bedrooms, finished the parquet floors and chose 6 different paint colors that were truly harmonious. Bought extra tall outdoor chairs and added risers to them so that we could enjoy the view over our balcony railing. Began paying monthly condo dues.

Packed the house up. Essentially gave away the entire basement, the piano, a media cabinet,  a buffet, and all the assorted flotsam and jetsam that accumulates in a house where you have lived for over 35 years.

It was a Wednesday. We were closing on the new place that afternoon. The movers were coming at 8:30 the next morning. In the parking lot, we asked each other — “This is it, still want to do it?” Long pause.

We canceled the movers, called the young couple and put the condo on the market. It pretty much sold right away.  Well, why not? It was harmonious.

Life in the fast lane.006

A Cautionary Tail

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If you give a pig a pancake

If you drink too much scotch, you wake up with your stomach wandering around in your throat so you have to run down to the kitchen and mix baking soda with water and gulp it noisily over the sink.

Your mouth has a gritty feel to it so you have to fling open the refrigerator door and grab the first thing you see which is cold vegetarian pizza made from scratch that tastes really gummy and leaves a big grease stain on your t-shirt.

So you need to go back upstairs, wrench open the closet door and start trying on clothes just to find that you have nothing to wear.

So you leave on the last thing you tried and grab your wallet and head for the department store.

On the way, you remember you didn’t brush your teeth so you pull over to the new artisan gelato shop on Main and order a small lemon curd.

When you are leaving you nearly trip over the black lab mix waiting patiently for his owner to bring him some water so you drive straight to the vet to buy cat food.

You pass by the kennel of rescue animals and one smiles at you so you bring home a beagle mix with Bette Davis eyes.

So when everyone finally goes to bed you pour yourself a scotch.

(With acknowledgement to Laura Numeroff who wrote “If you Give a Pig a Pancake,” one of a collection of charming what-if tales for kids.)

12 -13 -13

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If I didn’t already have a birthday, I wouldn’t mind having this one.

Today is the drawing for the really Big lottery. If you don’t have objections to gambling, it would probably be a good idea to rush out and plunk down a dollar. I think it’s a cheap way to entertain myself — imagining how to spend all that moolah. For all practical purposes, I’m a multi-millionaire all the way up to the time the last number is announced. 

Only in the good ole U.S. of A.

Between December and January

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Pablo Neruda Railway Museum, Temuco, Chile

Pablo Neruda Railway Museum, Temuco, Chile (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I went to the Sanibel Bookshop today.

It’s a typical indie bookshop in an up-scale beach town: displays of hard-bound best-sellers, lots of local authors, a deftly-curated kid section and gifty things –coasters, stationary, candles and the like. The two staff are the kind of competent and earnest types served up by a Junior League.

“Yes, it is my first time… Uhhh no, really, I’m fine… Just lookin’… Yeah, I sure will, Thanks.”

Left on my own, I sidle up the aisles and check out the wares. I want to buy Mary Oliver’s new book of poetry, Dog Songs, for my sister who has gotten a new dog. But it’s not there. But there is book by the poet/author Pablo Neruda called The Book of Questions. 

To the staff’s credit, they simply ring it up, they don’t go on and on about much of anything.  I like that a lot.

Pablo Neruda died in 1973; this book is 320 questions that compose 74 sequences.  (Translated by William O’Daly) And I tell you, it’s JUST WHAT  you need to simmer down during a hectic holiday season.

Here are 3 of the his 320 questions. Sit and wonder.

pablo nerudaIf I have died and don’t know it
of whom do I ask the time?

Tell me, is the rose naked
or is that her only dress?

And what is the name of the month
that falls between December and January?

(Sketch – Andre Alvez)