If you drink too much scotch, you wake up with your stomach wandering around in your throat so you have to run down to the kitchen and mix baking soda with water and gulp it noisily over the sink.

Your mouth has a gritty feel to it so you have to fling open the refrigerator door and grab the first thing you see which is cold vegetarian pizza made from scratch that tastes really gummy and leaves a big grease stain on your t-shirt.

So you need to go back upstairs, wrench open the closet door and start trying on clothes just to find that you have nothing to wear.

So you leave on the last thing you tried and grab your wallet and head for the department store.

On the way, you remember you didn’t brush your teeth so you pull over to the new artisan gelato shop on Main and order a small lemon curd.

When you are leaving you nearly trip over the black lab mix waiting patiently for his owner to bring him some water so you drive straight to the vet to buy cat food.

You pass by the kennel of rescue animals and one smiles at you so you bring home a beagle mix with Bette Davis eyes.

So when everyone finally goes to bed you pour yourself a scotch.

(With acknowledgement to Laura Numeroff who wrote “If you Give a Pig a Pancake,” one of a collection of charming what-if tales for kids.)